I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
