I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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