my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
