This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
