It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
