honey bunches of taint.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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