Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
