the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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