She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Randomize
