I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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