I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
