I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
