Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
