pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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