She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
