You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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