Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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