I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You are a booty call, not a friend.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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