His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
