Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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