hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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