I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
