its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
