No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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