Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Mom said you looked used
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
