I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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