somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
