just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Moan for me like Helen Keller
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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