Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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