Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
