Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
