a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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