sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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