I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
