I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
