I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You ate ashes out of my bong
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
