do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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