you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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