i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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