she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
