i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
