The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
There's always time for handjobs
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
