I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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