you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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