Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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