that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize