you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
