I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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