yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
