New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
