Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
My ATM looks so different sober.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
