ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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