24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
