god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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