is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
