Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
