Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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