Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
