running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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