I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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