Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
