i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
