the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I smell stomach acid.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
