Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
