i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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