I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
