I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
